When you frame your complaint this way, it's harder for your partner to identify the ask because it's wrapped in an attack. That usually puts them on the defensive—“No, I don’t act that way,” or “I’m not always like that,” or even, “Well, how about when you do X?”
The conversation from there often gets heated and goes nowhere, fast.
“The first three minutes of a conversation are an indicator of how that conversation will end,” Earnshaw explains. “So, if a conversation starts gently, then it is more likely that the conversation will continue to move in a gentle and positive direction. Whereas if a conversation starts with harshness, it will likely end in the same way.”
So, if you actually want to see your issues get resolved and get your relationship back to a healthy place, harsh startups will only get in your way—no matter how upset you are with your partner or how much you really do feel like it’s their fault.